Life?

My corpse turns against me.

Breath does not breathe,

life does not live,

tears do not fall,

balance is not more!

Cold am I, poor, tired,

hungry am I.

Where is hope, love, faith?

Abandoned am I!

 

I am sick. Lonely is my soul,

I long for peace.

I long, I long, I long!

Joy where have you gone?

Show me your face.

What road is this I travel?

 

Happy was I. Loved, pampered -

cossetted was I.

Born, fed and clothed was I.

Formed in my mother’s womb,

fashioned in His likeness,

I am here – I live!

Pen To Paper

My pen touch paper -

What will it write?

Will the ink flow love

across these measured lines?

Perhaps hate or avarice

it will reveal?

 

Will these words find

my next meal? Or will

I starve – be bereft of everything

in hopes, in dreams

of making it big?

 

My pen touch paper -

What does the future hold?

Crime, debates or potentates,

will worlds collide,

rulers crash and burn?

 

My pen touch paper -

What will it write?

Why Me?

Why me, oh God, do You despise?

Am I that wretched, but a pauper’s child?

I came to You the other day -

Hoping, praying You’d but look my way.

Why me oh God do you despise?

Am I too slothful or perhaps too proud?

I would that, me, you will astound

by answering my prayers before I drown -

in my sins, on my knees…on my face!

Why me? Why me – do you despise?!

The Hazards of Growing UP

Once I was a little girl, but no more.

I spent time dreaming of love on a golden shore.

Marriage and love and all that shines,

are swept away by the waves of time.

 

Day by day, pretty baubles – shells

and rocks smoothed by time,

remind me of my need to be loved

with a love, so sublime.

 

The smell of salt, the feel of ice, comes with

those cold waves and underneath the scent

I smell the loss of my innocence.

 

Once I was a little girl, but no more.

Lame

Look at that lame joker!

He so broke, he stopped

being a tired ass smoker!

 

Coughing and gagging,

always to his wife nagging

’bout his lack of this

and that an the other.

 

Look at that lame joker,

lost every damn thing

in a fixed game o’ poker!

 

Ain’t he lame? Damn,

what a shame that he,

be me.

Feeling Fine? You Lyin’.

I’m feeling fine.

Got not a dime,

not a cent.

Don’t repent

that I came

to fame;

on my own

I came home

broke.

But -

I’m feeling fine.

The Master Plan-The Master’s Plan

Damn God and His angels. Damn Satan and his imps.

Damn this world and all that’s in it. Are we pawns?

Subjects to the whims and fancies of beings we had

no hand in making?

Pieces in a convoluted game of power we can not wield?

I am tired of playing and being played.

Moved from one box to yet another.

I am tired of crying and dying and trying to please

a God who cannot be pleased but with blood and

suffering.

I am tired of His creations, evil and good

a like. I did not ask for salvation or damnation or

life or death or pain or joy or despair! What am I

but flesh and bone? Tissue to be used and abused,

blessed and cursed at the word of a Spirit I did not

conceive?

He wants nothing but everything.

He wants love and total submission. And yet I must

bow and pray to Him and thank Him for the honor?!

Who was I before He molded me and blew breath

into my lungs made of clay?

I was a thought.

A twisted thought, at the mercy of one who I’ve come

to…what? And what of Satan? The evil imp.

The seducer, the producer of all that is hateful, spiteful,

unholy and absurd.

Salvation is not free. Nor was it meant to be.

We were made for the sole purpose to worship

and to serve. Oh but God, in His magnificence,

did not want mindless subjects. Oh no. He

gave us free choice: we’d better make

the right one yes or else.

Yes, we’re free.

To die and suffer, serve and please, to hope

that we please or else.

How I wish that I were an atheist! To stick my

head in the sand and pretend that He is not real.

But I can not. I know beyond any hope of doubt

that He exist. Nor can I be an agnostic, wishing

for an existent God that I can mold into my own

image. He is Who He is. I can not deny Him, no

matter how much I might wish to.

So…

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord, my soul to take.

Amen

*This poem was written on the news of my young cousin’s death. He was 22 years old. Someone shot and killed him and left him laying, dead, on the side of the road. His four month old baby had been christened that morning: he wasn’t there. 08/02/09 I hope that you made it in cuz. RIP as much as you can…

The Diner – updated 04/05/09

Vince was sitting in the corner booth of his least favorite diner, Blue Sunday. It was Christmas Eve and as was usual for this time of year, the diner was filled with a hodgepodge of yuletide wishers, home-sick truck drivers and sundry other characters just passing through town. The sounds of angry car horns and Christmas carolers invaded the compact room as the ‘pretty-boy’ in a business suite opened the glass doors; no one seemed to notice except Vince. He noticed everything. Right now he noted that the lone waitress, Charlene according to her dangling name tag, was clearly harried and tired and didn’t have a kind word to say to anyone. Stains dotted her drabby khaki dress and her third button was missing from the top down, giving anyone who cared a glance at the white bra she wore underneath. ‘I bet her stocking’s gonna be full of coal this year.’ This thought was accompanied by a grimace, not a smile; Vince didn’t smile anymore. He didn’t have anything to be happy about and saw no need for anyone else to be happy either.

He unconsciously traced the jagged scar snaking its way down the right side of his face. It was swollen and ran from the top of his temple across his cheek and ended just under his chin. It had been a year ago today that his once handsome features had been destroyed in a terrible car accident. The same accident that claimed the life of the only person he’d ever loved. Nothing had been the same since. The scarlet tissue was a constant reminder of that day and he hated it.

He had never been what you’d call a ‘happy man’; life had never been kind enough to warrant that. But his life had slowly begun to change for the better the day he met Gladys. Now that she was gone Vince had become moodier and more withdrawn than previously. His disposition, like his face had changed to a dark and disturbingly repelling one. The laughing fat man sitting in the booth facing him grated his nerves; he wanted to grab the slob by his fat neck and squeeze until he couldn’t laugh anymore. As he thought this the fat man reared back his head and laughed even louder; specks of gravy and turkey escaped his gaping maw, their juices oozing down each corner to his chins.

The specks bothered Vince more than the laughter. It bothered him a lot. The greasy menu beneath his hand bothered him. The gum smacking waitress bothered him but that laughing pig bothered him most of all. His other hand left his face and curled into a fist; it was time to make the laughing pig…stop, time to make the noise stop, time to make the…pain stop.

The boisterous man didn’t notice the dark-haired stranger’s eyes. And he didn’t notice as the man approached his booth – he was too busy enjoying the joke that his daughter had just shared with him.

It hadn’t taken but five steps for the long-legged man to reach his destination. Time didn’t slow, the chaotic sounds of the diner’s occupants didn’t come to a screeching halt and the fat man barely registered the uninvited guest as two calloused hands reached for his double chins. Three minutes had passed between the moment Vince had left his seat to the time he stood choking the life out of the fat slob who was vainly trying to escape his grasp. Although he was a large sized man and was capable of many feats of strength the poor fellow didn’t stand a chance against the monster who was now trying to snuff out his life!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kara!” Someone was giving her shoulder a vigorous shake, “Kara honey, wake-up!” Her mother was kneeling over her with a look of distraught concern on her face. Kara was lying on the bathroom floor and was wearing no more than her pink bra and panties. The tile was cold, but that was okay. The cold helped bring her back to reality. She moaned a little, and blinked her eyes a few times; she raised her hand to the dampness on her cheeks. She must have been crying. “Kara honey…did you…did you have another spell?” What her mother quaintly referred to as her ‘spells’, was in fact moments of pre-cognition. These ‘moments’ or ‘spells’ often left her dazed at best, at worst she was sometimes knocked completely unconscious.

She’d been in a car accident a little over a year ago and ever since she’d been “blessed” with the ability to see future events. The disaster that she’d just witnessed had been a doozy. Kara belatedly answered her mother’s question, “Yeah mama, I had another spell. Don’t worry; I’ll be alright just…help me up.” While her mother fussed and worried over her, Kara thought, ‘I’d better give the sheriff a call’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vince’s hands, unlike his face were quite beautiful. They were slender, but powerful, his nails were smooth with the pink flesh showing clearly underneath. Those beautifully sculpted hands encircled the neck of his intended victim and although his whole frame shook with a raging violence, Vince’s hands were as steady as a rock.

The back-ground sounds of the diner slowly morphed from the steady but up beat noise that had irritated Vince earlier into the drone of a thousand swarming bees. He heard the high-pitched scream of a feminine voice off to his left but that didn’t bother him. Because before him was the bulging pleading gray eyes of his victim. He calmly noted that his senses were heightened to an unbelievable level; he could actually smell the sour sweat of the rotund turkey eater as he pressed forward for a better grip. The beautiful young lady previously sitting in front of the man he was trying to kill was now pouncing on his back like a rabid red haired poodle trying to force him away from his prize – he wanted to smack her. Instead he leaned forward and squeezed tighter. He could feel the man giving way to the pressure, soon he’d yield completely and then Vince would deal with the snapping dog at his back.

In a detached part of his mind Vince wondered why, in a diner full of people, was there only one trying to actually stop him. What for instance was the young business man doing at this moment? Was he hiding behind the peroxide- blonde waitress? Or maybe he’d gone to take a convenient bathroom break. Or maybe it was his scream that he’d heard. At the thought of that he astonished himself by snickering aloud – the brief moment of levity was interrupted by the inevitable sounds of police sirens drawing near. Vince knew it was the pretty-boy that had made the call, ‘Probably one of those blasted cell phones,’ he thought.

The yapping woman abruptly retreated from Vince’s back and her long manicured nails gave way to a trimly muscled forearm trying to force its way around his neck. One of the diners must have gained some nerve at hearing the sirens. “Someone, for God’s sake help me!” a high tenor rang in his ears. Two or maybe it was three “men”’ worked their way through the fright stricken crowd and came to the tenor’s aid. Vince could have finished off the slob if he’d wanted to right then and there but the police cruisers were directly outside now. And besides, he was tired. All the rage and pain from loss that had pushed him over the edge and given him purpose had deserted him and all he was left with was the thought, ‘What would Gladys think’?

Two hours later found him in the holding cell of the local police station. It seemed that no one from the diner had called the cops after all. The town’s resident psychic had had a vision of him choking the fat man and had tipped off the sheriff just in the nick of time. Vince rested his back against the cell’s ashen gray wall and looked upward, “Gladys, you hearing me babe…? Did you stop me somehow? Was it you that showed that girl what I was up to”? If there was an answer in the flicking sounds the fly’s wings made against the cell’s one light bulb, Vince didn’t hear it.

Carnival Chpt.2

Chapter 2

Two figures, one tall and one diminutive in size, made their way through the night. Though pools of yellow light spilled out from the surrounding tents and incandescent light bulbs dangled above from crisscrossing wires, the slow walking pair kept to the dark narrow path that would lead them to the smaller figure’s caravan.

Ben Tilson treaded behind the diminutive woman at a much closer distance than he was use to. As they made their way pass the magician’s Purple ‘n Gold tent, escaping swatches of light illuminated the worry on his face. Tonight may have been a success for Candy and his ‘girlie show’ but it had taken its toll on the show’s star attraction. Ben’s self appointed charge stumbled in front of him. He leaned down and fit his large palm under her elbow to help steady her; he could barely hear her whispered thanks.

The nerve grating song of the katydids bombarded them from the trees surrounding the Carnival’s enclosure. Boss, the carnies’ leader and provider, had chosen this place to camp in hopes that the trees would offer some protection against the dry hot air that was so prevalent in this southern burg. The days were appallingly hot and the nights weren’t much better. Ben cursed the sweltering heat and the sickness that savaged the dark haired beauty in front of him. She was trembling with exhaustion and he suspected a fever was creeping up on her. He spied the two pale hands clutching at the throat of her robe and swore to himself that this would be her last night performing in the Black ‘n Gold tent. Candy, be damned!

Ben hastened his steps as they finally approached her caravan and opened the door for her. He just as quickly returned to her side and without giving her a chance to protest, lifted his raven haired lady into his arms. The fact that she had offered no protest and had rested her head in the crook of his neck and shoulder was a testament to her weakened state. He was sorely worried. He made quick work of getting her to the wrought iron bed. He had her disrobed and bundled beneath the hand-quilted covers her mama had gifted her when she pierced his heart by emitting a racking cough that looked to tear a whole into her chest. Flecks of blood escaped her lips and two fevered eyes looked up into his worried visage.

“Ben” she wheezed, “go on now honey and…get Louisa.” She patted the over-sized paw that rested on her shoulder with one hand and used the other to reach for her hair. She would never dream of removing the wig in front of any other man but Ben had never been ‘any other man’. He’d been her constant. She silently cursed as another wave of coughing crashed over her. Through pain filled eyes she watched as Ben’s stooped figure made its way back through her small abode and out the door. Tonight just might be the last night she’d ever see that big lug and that thought more than anything had her quivering with untold fear and regret.

Ben stepped down from the caravan ignoring the three steps that he had been so careful about using earlier and quickly determined where he could find Louisa. It hadn’t even dawned on him that tonight had been the first time he’d ever stepped foot into the caravan. At any other time he would have taken pleasure in discovering every nook and cranny of the place he’d only visited in his dreams. But now his thoughts were focused on one thing, finding Louisa. He didn’t have to search long. She was waiting for him in the middle of the thoroughfare, bag in hand and simply said, “Take me to her Ben.”

Louisa Porter was the carnies’ mother figure, cook, seamstress and healer of all things spiritual and physical. It never failed that in which ever town they happened to traverse, folk would hear tale of her mother-wit and healing touch and beat a path to her door. Even before she was full growed people had sought her out. Louisa or Ma Porter as some were fond of calling her was generous of nature and never turned them away. And there were times, like tonight when she would find them first.

It was at those times when what she could only describe as a curtain, would open up before her and she would glimpse the need of a person before the need was made apparent to the person concerned. She’d been working on a costume for Rose Marie, the magician’s assistant, when all of a sudden her fingers had gone numb and her eyes began their familiar tingling with fore knowledge. The costume fell heedlessly to the floor and Louisa hastily packed her remedy bag, paused to turn off the gas light and was making her way down the thoroughfare when she spotted Ben.

Ben was a big, tall man and he towered over her like the fabled giant in the children’s tale. But this giant was all heart. Louisa didn’t need a third eye to see that his heart was bleeding with fear. ‘Well’ she thought, ‘there’s nothing to it but to make things as right as the good Lord’s willin’. Aloud she said, “Come along Ben. And don’t you fret none boy, Ma Porter’s gonna see to your lady. Yes indeed, and we gonna fix ‘er up jus’ right.”

“Yes ‘em.” And he led the way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The stench of impending death apparent only to her, greeted Louisa as she stepped through the little caravan’s door. A dark cloud, deep and looming encapsulated the small living space, filling up every visible place and unseen corner. Louisa hesitated but then pressed forward, toward the rainbow colored beads that separated the room from the girl’s sleeping quarters. She could feel the spidery tendrils of sickness clawing and grasping at her face and hands. Silently she prayed the warding prayer that her mother had taught her so long ago, “Depart, O death, this is not your home, the time for this one is not yet come.”  She kept up the litany and felt for the Madonna token in her satchel, not daring to breathe until her fingers grasped a hold of it.

As she parted the beads and stepped into the little room, Louisa’s heart dropped even further. The small pale figure looking back at her was unrecognizable. She’d been in this caravan many times in the years the ladies had traveled together and was always struck by the vitality that the other lady displayed. They were fast friends and shared many a secret, never hiding the truth from one another. Those eyes that so easily captivated the heart begged for the truth one last time.

Life or death, which would it be? A chill shot through Louisa and felt hope’s desertion in the nether regions of her heart; for the first time in her long life she did not know the answer.

Death circled above the trio, swooping this way and that, and waited for his time to claim the prized possession of the beautiful soul cocooned in the bed.

Carnival Chpt. 1


She reached for the ebony wig that would complete her costume. She had several more just as black sitting atop wooden heads in her cupboard. Her own hair had once been long and thick and silky black like a raven’s wings. She’d been the envy of every woman in the camp. She studied herself now in the floor length mirror dulled and darkened from age and smoke and made a few last adjustments to her dress. It was blood-red with glass beads hand-sewn across the low-cut bosom. The hem was nothing more than black sequin tassels that fell just below her small posterior. She reached both hands to her face and pinched her cheeks once again trying in vain to bring some color to her sallow complexion.

It had only been eleven months ago that a drunk and boisterous patron had hung onto her shoulders and declared that her skin was as soft as silk and as creamy as milk. She’d laughed him off and sent him stumbling home to his wife and, no doubt, seven kids. Her cheeks were no longer plump and rosy nor her lips full and ripe for the kissing and it had been a long time since she’d had to send anyone home. A hasty swipe at tears shed out of spite smeared the rouge that hid her sunken cheeks.


She quickly reapplied the heavy make-up, patted her hair in to place one last time and stuffed a few more tissues in to her already bulging bra. She’d just flung a black feathered boa around her neck and over her boney shoulders when she heard a heavy knock on her door. “Come in,” she called and walked through the curtain of rainbow colored beads that separated her sleeping and dressing quarters from the rest of her living space. She took pride in her small home of thirteen years and it showed. In every corner there stood reminders of all the places she’d traveled. A small settee sat flush against the only window the old gypsy’s home afforded her. It had been a gift from one of her many admirers. An antique table sat in front of it and served as a knick-knack holder. It held a wide variety of figurines, mostly unicorns, beautiful stones and sea-shells shaped by mother-nature. They were all a testament of her love for simple but beautiful things.

The narrow door to the caravan eased open and a red-headed giant of a man of indeterminate years peeked in, “Boss says to get a move on; it looks like we’re going to have a mighty fine crowd tonight.”


She nodded as she plumped a cushion and straightened her mother’s lace work on the back of the sofa. “I’m comin’ Ben. You just hold your horses and for goodness sake, either come in or wait outside. I don’t want any bugs waitin’ for me when I come back!”


Ben Tilson looked properly chastened and ducked his well-shaped head back, softly closed the door and retreated down the steps to wait outside. He was so tall that he didn’t really need to use the steps but did so because that was what any ‘proper’ man would do. Ben was the only man who hadn’t been inside the fading beauty’s abode. He never knew what to do with himself when in her presence. She was so tiny, he felt like a giant beside her. He waited to escort her to the Black ‘N Gold tent each night although it wasn’t his job. He was a hired hand; he packed up the tents each time they left a venue. Sometimes he’d help one of the acts with their props and such but he liked working behind the scenes. Every show of every night was the same. The good and upstanding folks of whatever town they camped in would come out and stare in awe at all the wonders set before them.


And there were many wonders to behold. There were shows of all types and for every persuasion, booths filled with prizes rarely won, games and rides for both the young and the old. The thrill-seeking crowd was made up of all kinds of people, some of whom sought thrills that were darker than others, which is why Ben played escort every night. He didn’t trust the anxious and intoxicated men to behave themselves.He began to get anxious himself when the door finally opened. He shuffled from one foot to the other and mumbled, “Boss says to hurry.”


Emerald green eyes stared up at his frame from behind dark lashes, “I heard you the first time, Ben. Come on then if you’re so anxious.” Two dimples and a pert smile softened the retort. Ben blushed, “Yes ‘em.”


A resigned sigh escaped the ruby stained lips and with a flounce of her ebony hair she turned and led the way to the busiest tent in the camp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night air was filled with a hodge-podge of scents and sounds. The cries for popcorn, candy-apples, and sugary sweet things could be heard pouring from every child’s mouth. Moms and pops were trying in vain to keep the excited children under control. The sight of a red headed giant flanking a petit and too trim lady would in the light of day, cause the inhabitants of the small burg to draw up in disdain but not tonight. Tonight was Carnival and all were welcome! John the pitchman could be heard down the thoroughfare entreating the passing crowd to “Come one, come all and see the wonders of the world!”


Ben only had eyes for one of the wonders and she was right in front of him. They steadily worked their way through the enchanted throng until they reached the big Black ‘N Gold tent. Unlike the paying customers they made their way to the hidden entrance in the back. Sheba, a dark-skinned girl of African origins waited impatiently for the two to follow her inside. The carnies had found her sitting beside her dead mama’s body outside a small southern town just four months ago. She’d quickly caught the eye of Candy, the stage manager of the ‘girlie-show’. It was his tent that brought in the most money night after night. The upstanding citizens weren’t so upstanding after the sun went down.


“Where ya’ll been?!” the girl asked and hurried on, not waiting for a reply, “Candy’s got ‘em into a near frenzy for ya!” Her brown eyes gleamed with anticipation and her skinny but muscle-toned arms flitted this way and that as she spoke. “We’re gonna make a killin’ t’night fo sure!”


The senior of the two ladies returned the woman-child’s enthusiastic grin with one of her own, patted the girl’s shoulder gave her a gentle push, urging her forward, “Best go child b’fore they bring this tent down on our heads.”


Sheba nodded and at Candy’s hurrying gestures parted the curtains and rushed on to the rickety stage to the sounds of whoops and hollers. The curtain fell back in to place and the two carnies were temporarily alone. The petit woman looked up and over her shoulder at Ben, “You gonna wait for me?”

He answered as he did every night, “For as long as I have ta.” Her lips peeled back into a contented smile and then she turned back to face the curtain again. Ben watched as she squared her shoulders, grabbed either end of the feathered boa and parted her way through the dingy curtains. A raucous cheer went up and Ben peeked through a hole in one of the curtains. His little wonder had joined the prancing girl and together they danced for the pleasure of the swaying crowd. He withdrew from the hateful sight and resigned himself to wait for the night to end.

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